Right Here

I am right here.

     You do not see me, though whether that is by choice or negligence, I'm not sure.  All I do know, however, is that I am not a stranger to you. 

     I am your daughter, your best friend, your sister. 

     You see me everyday, speak to me sweetly, embrace me tenderly, invest precious time in me.  So why have you notice not the ways in which I have changed? 

    

     Oh, Rosie.  Don't you know it's all lies, darling?

    

     It all feels so fake, so forced, so artificial.  Every word they whisper, every touch I feel... I feel as though every one I know is cruelly mocking me while I take up too much space in what feels like a basin of my own humiliation. 

     And I believe that is what they truly think about me.  That I take up too much room, that my physical implication on space is far too generous.  By a large margin, I have exceeded the allotted space I am allowed to occupy. 

     And it is all because I am weak and pathetic and insatiable.  And the world has marked me too great a burden and cast me from their pockets like empty change, forced to fall to doorsteps that curse the day I dare to ring their doorbell. 

     Everyone around me is just waiting for me to be the one they have always wanted.  And I am so tied, so very tired, of being a disappointment. 

     So tomorrow will be special.  Tomorrow will be the day I throw away the acknowledgment of the hunger that sharpens its claws in the pit of my stomach, and by association, I will escape the realm of emotions, remaining only a sliver of what I used to be, without the greedy wanting and excessive taking of space and childish rashness that always seems to merit looks of disappointment that are hid so poorly and sting so caustically.  

     Finally, I will be the bones they want to see.  I will not need nor want, but be only a self-sustaining statue of beauty. 

 

     There's just one problem, darling.

 

     So today, and every day, I will not eat. 

     I will not eat. 

     I will not eat.

     I will not eat. 

     When I am exhausted, I will not sleep.  When I am hungry, I will not eat. 

     And when I am finished, and am finally set free, I will be perfect, just like I have always wanted to be.